A ramble

Well, it's been quite a week. Last weekend I spent most of the weekend running to Home Depot to get parts for a toilet. After a whole weekend of spending lots of money, I have a still leaking toilet. Funnier still, the toilet wasn't the source of the problem. It was a backed up septic tank. Well, at least most of the throne is new. Then I had some family business to tend to in the middle of the week. All of this is a long-winded excuse for saying, I haven't practiced music all week. I have to admit though, I was playing pretty sporadically the week before. It's like this with a lot of things I do - practice guitar/bass, exercise. Do great for a week or two. Then life interferes in some way or another (sick sibling, backed up toilet). I miss a day...which becomes a week. After the week mark, I feel guilty. I should be doing what I was doing before. The guilt in turn makes it harder to get back to what I was doing. It's easy to see how that would happen with something like say, exercising. I know I need to. I know it's good for me. I still hate it and it's a chore. Now music is different. I love music...I love trying to make music. So why does it take on such a chore-like feel after I miss about a week?
Part of the problem might be my approach to fun...or lack thereof. Even "fun" is serious business for me. It's part of my "Calvinist" streak. I've noted my problems with perfectionism before. The "Fun is serious business" is part of that problem. Society helps a bit...suffering for your art and all that.
Oddly enough, I don't have as much of a problem with drawing. Not that I'm any better an illustrator than musician. In fact, I "know" far more about music. I've read more books, taken more classes and lessons in music and musical performance. Yet for the last month, I've been able to draw something everyday. On some days it's been little more than a doodle. Point is, I've been keeping up on it and doing. I don't know why this could be. It seems to have taken on a life of it's own.
I wonder if it's because I'm not as attached. I'm not expecting to be a great artist. I just do it for fun, for something to do. I do it because I love graphic arts -- comics, illustration...even magazine layout and design. But by the same token, I've no expectations for myself with it other than learning how to draw. That is to say, I only expect to improve.
With music I guess I feel a great musical masterpiece should issue from my rear and change my world. I've felt changed by music and feel when I make it, I should be making "great" music. I think I might be placing some burdens on myself are making music a bit harder than it should be. I think for a long time music was my escape and took on portions of my identity. I was just a geek...but in High School I was geek and...a musician. Geeks not so hot...geek musicians ok. I think this pretty much has continued through my adult life. I'm a loser geek...but I'm also a musician. I've got a dull boring career, but I'm secretly trying to write a an awesome rock opera (or some other pompous thought). I think this type of thinking also drove my desire to obtain more and more equipment. "See this proves I'm a musician....I spend every penny I have on music stuff."
The trouble this type of thinking is it's taking away from what I should actually be doing...making music. I've let all of this stuff take over. Meanwhile, I've been practicing the same old stuff over and over again (come to think of it, this is another reason practice is a "chore"). I've also worried about the exact way to do everything...I'm sure I need to know be able know and play a Phrygian scale...even though I probably will never have to use it for anything.
Sure I want to make some good music. I'd love to express myself musically. I just need to somehow get it back to the fun it used to be. When I first played guitar, just making an A chord was work, but I felt so good when I got it to ring. On piano, I was just happy when I could play something and recognize it. I didn't expect to write a symphony or anything. More than anything, it just deepened my appreciation for what other musicians have done. It increased my wonder...it heightened my connection to the music I heard on the radio. I'd like to get back to that feeling with what I'm doing.
How can I get back to making music for music's sake and just having fun? How can I make mistakes and not care? I don't know, but I do know I'm starting down this road just by thinking about it. Hopefully over the next several days and weeks and can get back to just practicing and having fun again...just doing it for the pure fun and nothing else.

Still going...

It's been awhile, so I've decided to do another blog entry. I've had kind of pendulum effect going the last two weeks. I had a couple of days...maybe a week where I was feeling crappy about life, the universe and everything. But I had some really great days in there as well. I've managed to keep the drawing and cartooning up. I even sketched out an idea for a strip. I've been tempted to shut it down for many reasons -- all of them stupid. The one that always gets to me the most is that it's taking away from my musical efforts. That's really the old "ultra-focus"/perfectionism problem. I've actually found that my musical efforts have actually improved as pick up drawing skills and work more with them. Just getting the old conditioning out of my head is the problem. I think that might be why was having a bad week last week. The old junk keeps coming up. I'm lucky though. This time something is different. I keep being able to fight it off. I keep being able to draw and enjoy it. I keep being able to play my instruments and have fun. In fact, I've been enjoying music more lately. I've been able to pay more attention to the sound of notes...the feel of notes.
Even with the dark period, it has been a positive couple weeks. I'm feeling more interested and energized than I have for a long, long time. I'm feeling a lot more like myself. I just hope to have the strength and courage to keep going and keep doing what I'm doing.

Feeling Extraordinarly Good

It's almost a week since my last entry. Almost two or three weeks since an entry of any substance. It's a good thing though. I've actually been busy doing stuff! I'm on a record run of drawing cartoons. Some of my cartoons actually look like identifiable things. At this point, I'm copying the work of other cartoonists, but I am feeling more confident that I will develop my own style if I keep at it. Learning to cartoon has been a lot of fun. It's also reconnected me to myself in many ways. I've always loved animation, comics, comic strips and graphic design. I devour graphic novels when I can get my hands on them. I've always stayed away from drawing though. My perfectionism (once again) got in the way. I was also a victim of over-focus. I used to feel that I had to focus on one thing or interest and shut out all other distractions. If I played an instrument, that was it. No writing, no drawing, sculpting, whatever. If I were to write, that was it. I think this outlook was fueled by perfectionism (if I work ONLY on this it will be perfect). I am now recovering from this very limiting philosophy.
It has been unbelievably hard to recover from, but I am making progress. All last week I drew AND practiced on bass. This is huge for me. It's also given me a much better outlook on life. About two weeks ago, I was in pure misery. Hated my job, life, etc. I was also bored out of my mind. Then the cartooning kind of wound up. I started taking a sketchpad to work and doing some practice during my lunch break. At the same time, I've been keeping up music.
I think the one of the important things I've realized in this last week is that I can do these things just because I love them. I love music and everything about it. Same with cartooning. I don't have to be perfect at them. Hell, I don't even have to be good (although I have noticed some improvement).
So, I have been enjoying the week. I especially enjoyed yesterday...a good day off from work. I went and picked up some art supplies. I did some cartooning. I practiced the bass. I read, took naps. An epically great day. The kind of day you are just happy to be doing what you are doing. I'm hoping to continue my recovery from perfectionism...and thus have more days like that. Here's hoping!

A Boring Entry

I haven't had much to blog about as far as making music lately. I've actually taken some time away from trying to get the studio to work to just play. More specifically, I've been working on my bass playing. I actually went and jammed with a friend over the weekend. For me, this is a big step. We worked out some simple blues stuff. I'm going to practice that and go back over some bass fundamentals. I still want to get my studio running and do some composing and songwriting. I'm just lowering the priority on it a little for now.
This blog isn't meant to just be about music though. I think I'm going to start introducing some of my other interests over the next couple weeks. Need to start expanding my blog world a bit so I don't run short of material.

Lemons and Lemonade

Well, I'm having more problems using the MIDI controller with Cakewalk. The plan I'm kicking around now is to use the MIDI controller with the laptop -just a as keyboard. In other words, use my soft-synths in standalone mode, not as a Cakewalk plugin. If I need to record it, I can always use my old analog 4 track and dump the track to computer later. I'm going to leave Cakewalk on my uber computer and use it as a multitrack recorder. I have an analog 4 track but Cakewalk is unlimited. That way I don't have to mess with the goofy MIDI problems I'm having with equipment right now. Sometimes you just have to go with what you know. Sometimes something that seems like a really good idea isn't...but you have to go on. So, I'm disappointed that things didn't work out as I planned, but I'm not letting that derail me totally like I used to. It might even turn out as good thing. Who knows, maybe this will influence a part of my style (when I get one) in some way.

ZZ Top Show

Got to see a good show by ZZ Top last night. The vocals got lost in the mix, but does that really matter when you know all the words by heart? Of course, that's pretty much old school rock and roll show. I don't think I heard ANY vocals at a show until PA systems started really improving in the 90s.
I don't currently have any ZZ Top stuff, but I burned through my "Eliminator" tape back in the day. Plus, it being the hayday of MTV, I must have seen the videos for "Legs" and "Sharp-Dressed Man" thousands of times.
The band itself was just too cool. They come out with those huge beards and shades and you know you are going to have some fun. You also get the bonuses that take you back (in my case) to your teen years--yep, they played fuzzy guitars for Legs. If you are ZZ Top, could play Legs on anything else? (Note to performers out there -- if you aren't ZZ Top, don't attempt the fuzzy guitars, you'll look stupid. Unless of course, that's what you are going for).
What the mixing lacked in vocals was made up for by the great guitar work. I'm still amazed at how good all those riffs sound live. I've heard them a thousand times over, but hearing them performed live at volume...nothing beats it. It's also very inspirational. I'm going to try and go out and see more live music over the next year as part of my New Year's goals. I eventually need to get to monthly or weekly. I'm ramping up pretty good this year though. I've seen 4 shows this year...I'm pretty sure that's a record for me. I'll have to keep up the pace in 2008. I'll need to start checking out more of local scene though. The locals need support, and it's probably the only affordable away to enjoy live music.

Taco Hell

I must remember:

The idea of Taco Bell is much better than the reality of Taco Bell.

If I can remember that, me and my stomach will be much better off!