Cutting Loose, Letting Go

I've been wanting to do something to break me out of my musical rut for awhile. You see I have several problems with expressing myself. I have plenty of desire to express myself. I just can't seem to "let go" and do it. So I've decided to take the opposite approach I usually do. I'm going to actually go out and do something that I don't think is logical and, quite frankly scares me.
Next financial windfall. I'm going to go and get a drum kit. A good, old fashioned, loud-as-hell drum kit.
This is important for many reasons. The musical reasons are actually pretty logical. Percussion, the beat, the groove is one of the most important elements in music. Percussion is likely the first type of music we developed as a species. It mystifies and escapes me because of my rigid approach to music (and life in general). I have always felt that an understanding, or appreciate of how the beat meshes with the rest of music was just beyond my grasp. So how do you learn more about it...musically you try and do it.
Now most of the reasons this upcoming purchase is important are mental. I've always seen drummers or percussions as kind of wild and free (at least in popular music context). They kind of represent a "letting go". I realize drumming is complex as any part of music, but it seems to be one where you really have to let go to do it correctly.
Then there are the fears. Years ago I know someone who dabbled in percussion.Not a "serious" percussionist. Just some bongos and spoons...yet it still sounded very cool. Well, life got difficult for him...downright scary in parts. So, I've kind of associated (unjustly to be sure) percussion with a little bit of madness. Not a positive "letting go" but a negative version. So actually playing some drums will help me get over the clearly illogical fear that letting go in a musical sense means letting go in a mental sense.
Then there is the fear of people hearing me...not so much hear me as hear messing up and trying to practice things. I feel like people shouldn't ever hear me unless I'm perfect. Actually the perfectionism--while not a fear is another obstacle to overcome. I cut myself from activities where I'm not sure how good or bad I'll do. I stick to the "safety" of the trodden path...even if it's something I enjoy purely for it's own sake. However, in this case the fun outweighs the perfectionism. I'm just going to go for...if I ever get good, great. If not, I'll at least have tried.
In lots of ways, getting into percussion is affirmation to me...a sign I'm getting away from old modes of thinking. I just like making music, whether by drum, by guitar, keyboard or kazoo (well maybe not the last one).
Of course it's easy to say this now. I usually have a good way overthinking things and backing out of risk taking. I can't do that this time. This time I just have to let go (in a good way) and let things develop.

Feeling Extraordinarly Good

It's almost a week since my last entry. Almost two or three weeks since an entry of any substance. It's a good thing though. I've actually been busy doing stuff! I'm on a record run of drawing cartoons. Some of my cartoons actually look like identifiable things. At this point, I'm copying the work of other cartoonists, but I am feeling more confident that I will develop my own style if I keep at it. Learning to cartoon has been a lot of fun. It's also reconnected me to myself in many ways. I've always loved animation, comics, comic strips and graphic design. I devour graphic novels when I can get my hands on them. I've always stayed away from drawing though. My perfectionism (once again) got in the way. I was also a victim of over-focus. I used to feel that I had to focus on one thing or interest and shut out all other distractions. If I played an instrument, that was it. No writing, no drawing, sculpting, whatever. If I were to write, that was it. I think this outlook was fueled by perfectionism (if I work ONLY on this it will be perfect). I am now recovering from this very limiting philosophy.
It has been unbelievably hard to recover from, but I am making progress. All last week I drew AND practiced on bass. This is huge for me. It's also given me a much better outlook on life. About two weeks ago, I was in pure misery. Hated my job, life, etc. I was also bored out of my mind. Then the cartooning kind of wound up. I started taking a sketchpad to work and doing some practice during my lunch break. At the same time, I've been keeping up music.
I think the one of the important things I've realized in this last week is that I can do these things just because I love them. I love music and everything about it. Same with cartooning. I don't have to be perfect at them. Hell, I don't even have to be good (although I have noticed some improvement).
So, I have been enjoying the week. I especially enjoyed yesterday...a good day off from work. I went and picked up some art supplies. I did some cartooning. I practiced the bass. I read, took naps. An epically great day. The kind of day you are just happy to be doing what you are doing. I'm hoping to continue my recovery from perfectionism...and thus have more days like that. Here's hoping!