A ramble

Well, it's been quite a week. Last weekend I spent most of the weekend running to Home Depot to get parts for a toilet. After a whole weekend of spending lots of money, I have a still leaking toilet. Funnier still, the toilet wasn't the source of the problem. It was a backed up septic tank. Well, at least most of the throne is new. Then I had some family business to tend to in the middle of the week. All of this is a long-winded excuse for saying, I haven't practiced music all week. I have to admit though, I was playing pretty sporadically the week before. It's like this with a lot of things I do - practice guitar/bass, exercise. Do great for a week or two. Then life interferes in some way or another (sick sibling, backed up toilet). I miss a day...which becomes a week. After the week mark, I feel guilty. I should be doing what I was doing before. The guilt in turn makes it harder to get back to what I was doing. It's easy to see how that would happen with something like say, exercising. I know I need to. I know it's good for me. I still hate it and it's a chore. Now music is different. I love music...I love trying to make music. So why does it take on such a chore-like feel after I miss about a week?
Part of the problem might be my approach to fun...or lack thereof. Even "fun" is serious business for me. It's part of my "Calvinist" streak. I've noted my problems with perfectionism before. The "Fun is serious business" is part of that problem. Society helps a bit...suffering for your art and all that.
Oddly enough, I don't have as much of a problem with drawing. Not that I'm any better an illustrator than musician. In fact, I "know" far more about music. I've read more books, taken more classes and lessons in music and musical performance. Yet for the last month, I've been able to draw something everyday. On some days it's been little more than a doodle. Point is, I've been keeping up on it and doing. I don't know why this could be. It seems to have taken on a life of it's own.
I wonder if it's because I'm not as attached. I'm not expecting to be a great artist. I just do it for fun, for something to do. I do it because I love graphic arts -- comics, illustration...even magazine layout and design. But by the same token, I've no expectations for myself with it other than learning how to draw. That is to say, I only expect to improve.
With music I guess I feel a great musical masterpiece should issue from my rear and change my world. I've felt changed by music and feel when I make it, I should be making "great" music. I think I might be placing some burdens on myself are making music a bit harder than it should be. I think for a long time music was my escape and took on portions of my identity. I was just a geek...but in High School I was geek and...a musician. Geeks not so hot...geek musicians ok. I think this pretty much has continued through my adult life. I'm a loser geek...but I'm also a musician. I've got a dull boring career, but I'm secretly trying to write a an awesome rock opera (or some other pompous thought). I think this type of thinking also drove my desire to obtain more and more equipment. "See this proves I'm a musician....I spend every penny I have on music stuff."
The trouble this type of thinking is it's taking away from what I should actually be doing...making music. I've let all of this stuff take over. Meanwhile, I've been practicing the same old stuff over and over again (come to think of it, this is another reason practice is a "chore"). I've also worried about the exact way to do everything...I'm sure I need to know be able know and play a Phrygian scale...even though I probably will never have to use it for anything.
Sure I want to make some good music. I'd love to express myself musically. I just need to somehow get it back to the fun it used to be. When I first played guitar, just making an A chord was work, but I felt so good when I got it to ring. On piano, I was just happy when I could play something and recognize it. I didn't expect to write a symphony or anything. More than anything, it just deepened my appreciation for what other musicians have done. It increased my wonder...it heightened my connection to the music I heard on the radio. I'd like to get back to that feeling with what I'm doing.
How can I get back to making music for music's sake and just having fun? How can I make mistakes and not care? I don't know, but I do know I'm starting down this road just by thinking about it. Hopefully over the next several days and weeks and can get back to just practicing and having fun again...just doing it for the pure fun and nothing else.

Feeling Extraordinarly Good

It's almost a week since my last entry. Almost two or three weeks since an entry of any substance. It's a good thing though. I've actually been busy doing stuff! I'm on a record run of drawing cartoons. Some of my cartoons actually look like identifiable things. At this point, I'm copying the work of other cartoonists, but I am feeling more confident that I will develop my own style if I keep at it. Learning to cartoon has been a lot of fun. It's also reconnected me to myself in many ways. I've always loved animation, comics, comic strips and graphic design. I devour graphic novels when I can get my hands on them. I've always stayed away from drawing though. My perfectionism (once again) got in the way. I was also a victim of over-focus. I used to feel that I had to focus on one thing or interest and shut out all other distractions. If I played an instrument, that was it. No writing, no drawing, sculpting, whatever. If I were to write, that was it. I think this outlook was fueled by perfectionism (if I work ONLY on this it will be perfect). I am now recovering from this very limiting philosophy.
It has been unbelievably hard to recover from, but I am making progress. All last week I drew AND practiced on bass. This is huge for me. It's also given me a much better outlook on life. About two weeks ago, I was in pure misery. Hated my job, life, etc. I was also bored out of my mind. Then the cartooning kind of wound up. I started taking a sketchpad to work and doing some practice during my lunch break. At the same time, I've been keeping up music.
I think the one of the important things I've realized in this last week is that I can do these things just because I love them. I love music and everything about it. Same with cartooning. I don't have to be perfect at them. Hell, I don't even have to be good (although I have noticed some improvement).
So, I have been enjoying the week. I especially enjoyed yesterday...a good day off from work. I went and picked up some art supplies. I did some cartooning. I practiced the bass. I read, took naps. An epically great day. The kind of day you are just happy to be doing what you are doing. I'm hoping to continue my recovery from perfectionism...and thus have more days like that. Here's hoping!

Sore Fingers

I've played my guitar more this morning than I have the past several weeks. IMy fingertips are killing me...that's how long it's been I've been practicing, but I am also auditioning presets on my guitar software. I got a Line 6 TonePort GX several weeks ago. It's one of those amp/stomp box modelers. I have to say I'm pretty impressed. As inexpensive as it is, it gives a really good sound...much better than the multi-effects pedal I was using before. I went through all of the "clean" presets this morning. Jazz, surf and country guitar stuff mostly. I'm taking a break now. I'm going to actually try and do some multitrack recording this evening/afternoon, so I don't think I'll get to the "crunch" presets until tomorrow. Always fun...nothing like a little distortion to make the worst guitar player sound good (actually, it works for vocals too). I'll have to remember to revisit the performance of the TonePort later in this blog, it will be interesting to see how well it will work when it actually gets used for recording.