I am...

I've been feeling confused about myself and my interests. Part of this blog was to find some clarity. While I was writing in my journal this morning, I wrote the following paragraph:
Thing is I feel confused and all--but really, I know who and what I am. I am an artist. I am a scientist. I love the beauty of nature and the beauty of man. I explore the creation and create. I am Joshua Twain Pappas, explorer.

I felt a bit better just by writing this down, so I also reposted it up here.

Finger in the wind (not that finger)

Well, after free-floating the last couple of weeks, I've got direction of a sort. One thing I'm trying to do is to "do" more and plan less. This will entail some changes for this space. I've spent a lot of time in this space laying out some of my plans. Planning for my plans, etc.
I'm hoping to put up more essays on various subjects...not just music, though that will still be the subject of many a post. Music is still the most important thing in my life, hence it will be an important part of the blog. I'm going to start including other subjects that interest me as well -- other art forms, technology, history. I'm a curious explorer type, so pretty much anything might come up.
I'll wrap up some of the matters I raised in my last post here. I'm not feeling as down or melancholy as I was in the last post. I'm taking the approach that I'm going to try and just indulge my interests for their own sakes and see where they lead me. So, I've been playing my guitars again...just for my own pleasure though. No big plans for that the moment. No setting up a studio or writing a huge, complex masterpiece. I'm just going to try and get better. Maybe good enough to write some songs, but I'm not going to push it. Right now, I just need to get my calluses back.
I'm going to try not to debate how my interests will look to other people...something I used to do all the time. For one thing, I'm just not that special. Everybody on the planet is not scrutinizing my every move. Even if they were, I need to think who cares? Do I really want always living in reaction to someone's opinion of me or what I do? That's a crux of the biscuit...I'm confused and don't know who I am because I keep trying to fill in what I think other people will think. Since this varies from person to person, it can get really confusing. I need to quit wasting my time and energy on it and concentrate on just being. Life is too short and I've already wasted enough time thrashing around. Of course, it's easy to say (or in this case write) that things will be different. It is quite different to put this into practice.
I'm still optimistic I will do fine. I'm feeling more adventurous everyday. I love letting a sense of wonder rule my pursuits. I've also realized I really enjoy solving problems...mainly on computer at this point. Still, I think that's something else I will be exploring in the future. I'm actually looking at that for a focal point to manage some sort of career change. At the moment, I'm not much of a problem solver...it's more mechanics. Maybe I'll find a problem-solving career to get into...who knows? All I know is the winds are starting to pick up. I'll be able to catch the next breeze. Floating -- with direction.

Floating

I've been down lately. Nothing seems to have much meaning anymore. I just wonder what I'm doing with my life. I want to be having fun and doing something useful. Yet I only seem to be able to consume. I only seem to enjoy passive activities. I listen to lots of music. I like reading and playing video games. I also like movies. But I'm not going at anything that does anything...or rather, creates something. I seem to really want something to show for my time spent.
I guess that's the attraction of "building" hobbies. If you are into carpentry, you have a piece of furniture to show for your efforts. If you restore antique cars, you have the restored car to drive around. I seem to want this from my leisure pursuits. I love music so much, I feel like I should produce some kind of music, be it instrumental, a song with lyrics or just performing. I can't just enjoy music or studying the lives of musicians. It doesn't feel like that is far enough for the pleasure I get out of listening. Yet after years of lessons on several instruments (and lots of money), I doubt I could get through one whole song. I take that back, I can play relatively simple folk songs on acoustic guitar and harmonica. Still, that doesn't exactly show blazing progress for the time, effort and money I have put into it.
My malaise isn't just limited to hobbies. It's also related to my job. I'm a technical writer/editor, a job that pays well but really just strangles anybody with a love of language. It is the complete antithesis of literature. You are simplifying every thought, every sentence down to the barest words that can still express meaning. Plus, it's a field that's seen as a "necessary evil". Well, maybe not so necessary. It's almost always the last priority for a technical organization. Yet, what else am I going to do? No way in hell I'm going to journalism...not in today's media. All I know is I don't like it. It bores me. But what else do I want to do?
That's the whole problem. I have no frigging clue what I want to do. Not with hobbies, not with work. Not anything. Nothing seems to be right. I keep trying things and getting nowhere. I really do want to be happy, satisfied. I just have no idea what that will entail.

Cutting Loose, Letting Go

I've been wanting to do something to break me out of my musical rut for awhile. You see I have several problems with expressing myself. I have plenty of desire to express myself. I just can't seem to "let go" and do it. So I've decided to take the opposite approach I usually do. I'm going to actually go out and do something that I don't think is logical and, quite frankly scares me.
Next financial windfall. I'm going to go and get a drum kit. A good, old fashioned, loud-as-hell drum kit.
This is important for many reasons. The musical reasons are actually pretty logical. Percussion, the beat, the groove is one of the most important elements in music. Percussion is likely the first type of music we developed as a species. It mystifies and escapes me because of my rigid approach to music (and life in general). I have always felt that an understanding, or appreciate of how the beat meshes with the rest of music was just beyond my grasp. So how do you learn more about it...musically you try and do it.
Now most of the reasons this upcoming purchase is important are mental. I've always seen drummers or percussions as kind of wild and free (at least in popular music context). They kind of represent a "letting go". I realize drumming is complex as any part of music, but it seems to be one where you really have to let go to do it correctly.
Then there are the fears. Years ago I know someone who dabbled in percussion.Not a "serious" percussionist. Just some bongos and spoons...yet it still sounded very cool. Well, life got difficult for him...downright scary in parts. So, I've kind of associated (unjustly to be sure) percussion with a little bit of madness. Not a positive "letting go" but a negative version. So actually playing some drums will help me get over the clearly illogical fear that letting go in a musical sense means letting go in a mental sense.
Then there is the fear of people hearing me...not so much hear me as hear messing up and trying to practice things. I feel like people shouldn't ever hear me unless I'm perfect. Actually the perfectionism--while not a fear is another obstacle to overcome. I cut myself from activities where I'm not sure how good or bad I'll do. I stick to the "safety" of the trodden path...even if it's something I enjoy purely for it's own sake. However, in this case the fun outweighs the perfectionism. I'm just going to go for...if I ever get good, great. If not, I'll at least have tried.
In lots of ways, getting into percussion is affirmation to me...a sign I'm getting away from old modes of thinking. I just like making music, whether by drum, by guitar, keyboard or kazoo (well maybe not the last one).
Of course it's easy to say this now. I usually have a good way overthinking things and backing out of risk taking. I can't do that this time. This time I just have to let go (in a good way) and let things develop.

Stirrings with thanks to K

Things are starting to pick back up again, thanks to a few pushes and nudges from Krista. I actually worked out a simple but decent melody for a theme and variation exercise. I think I'll try and harmonize it later on today. It was cool though...I was picking out notes on the keyboard, writing them down and transferring them to computer to hear the whole thing. Very fun...I lost track of time, got into it and had a blast.
Is it an earth-shattering composition of all time...probably not. But at least I got going, that's the good part. So thanks, Krista for setting a time limit and helping me get back in gear.

The beauty of shuffle mode...

Maybe I'm approach a theme or mood. I was mentioning simplicity yesterday and I found a good example. I had my MP3 player set to shuffle on Thursday. A tune I hadn't heard in a long time popped up, Gillian Welch's "April 14th (Part 1)" off of Time the Revelator. That whole album is a study in simplicity. Not just simplicity, but beauty. I switched the MP3 player to Normal and listened to the whole album again. It still amazes me how awesome just two voices and two guitars can sound (David Rawlings being the other voice and guitar).

Stuck in the Mud

I've been kind of stuck in the mud for the last couple weeks. I haven't had much inspiration and haven't done much musical practice. Everything has kind of come to a stand-still. I just don't feel like doing anything.
I am going to try and get back on track soon. I'm going to try several projects to get myself moving. Just doing stuff is the key I think.
I used to sit around hoping for inspiration to strike out of the blue and instantly reveal a vision of a masterpiece in its totality. I realize now that it doesn't work this way. Inspiration seems to hit people while they are working toward something.
With that in mind, my mission this week is to get myself moving again...but not in a way that I'm in a rut. With that in mind, I'm just going to work on putting together a generic blues song. Just record a simple I-IV-V chord progress and add an equally simple bass line. After I get that recorded, I may or may not try to throw some lead licks in there. That's all. Nothing fancy, but I've never done it before. Something easy, yet something of a stretch for me.
I've also decided to give setting up a computer recording another shot...mainly because I threw so much money at it. I can experiment with a sound card I have in the garage...see if I can take some of the load off my CPU and hard drive. It'd be a waste not to try and get it to work. I'm going to approach it a bit differently though. It's not the centerpiece of what I'm doing. In other words, I can keep goofing around with it until I get it to work. Until it works, I'll just keep using the trusty Tascam 4 track to record. I may even start my mixes with the Tascam and then move them to the PC for the final mix. The idea actually appeals to me...lately I've been kind of appreciating old (analog) technology. Something about analog is appealing to the ears...kind of the same principle that makes distortion so popular for electric guitars.
I have an 80's beast lurking under my bed...an 80's Korg DW-6000. I just keep it around because it was my first "real" musical instrument. It is in horrible shape. It will definitely need a new battery to charge the patch memory. I think the lowest key is also broken. However, I may make it a project over the summer to get it working again. It had a nice "airy" quality to it -- a lot of 80's keyboards kind of had this to my mind. The DX-7 was another "breathy" keyboard.
Funny observation, I have a Casio/Radio Shack keyboard that sounds slightly out of tune. Supposedly this shouldn't happen, but there it is. It only sounded "off" to me...someone with better pitch pointed out is was actually out of tune. I think in the 80's they had a lot less faith in electronic correctness than we do now. Why...there is actually slider on the 80's keyboard to adjust the tuning. There might be a similar function for the Casio, but it's buried below fifty levels of menus. My point--sometimes it's nice to just flip a slider and get to have to get out a tech manual and search for an hour.
I'm not trying to be a luddite...I'm just starting to kind of appreciate simplicity a bit more than I used to. That's it for this ramble. Peace out.

A ramble

Well, it's been quite a week. Last weekend I spent most of the weekend running to Home Depot to get parts for a toilet. After a whole weekend of spending lots of money, I have a still leaking toilet. Funnier still, the toilet wasn't the source of the problem. It was a backed up septic tank. Well, at least most of the throne is new. Then I had some family business to tend to in the middle of the week. All of this is a long-winded excuse for saying, I haven't practiced music all week. I have to admit though, I was playing pretty sporadically the week before. It's like this with a lot of things I do - practice guitar/bass, exercise. Do great for a week or two. Then life interferes in some way or another (sick sibling, backed up toilet). I miss a day...which becomes a week. After the week mark, I feel guilty. I should be doing what I was doing before. The guilt in turn makes it harder to get back to what I was doing. It's easy to see how that would happen with something like say, exercising. I know I need to. I know it's good for me. I still hate it and it's a chore. Now music is different. I love music...I love trying to make music. So why does it take on such a chore-like feel after I miss about a week?
Part of the problem might be my approach to fun...or lack thereof. Even "fun" is serious business for me. It's part of my "Calvinist" streak. I've noted my problems with perfectionism before. The "Fun is serious business" is part of that problem. Society helps a bit...suffering for your art and all that.
Oddly enough, I don't have as much of a problem with drawing. Not that I'm any better an illustrator than musician. In fact, I "know" far more about music. I've read more books, taken more classes and lessons in music and musical performance. Yet for the last month, I've been able to draw something everyday. On some days it's been little more than a doodle. Point is, I've been keeping up on it and doing. I don't know why this could be. It seems to have taken on a life of it's own.
I wonder if it's because I'm not as attached. I'm not expecting to be a great artist. I just do it for fun, for something to do. I do it because I love graphic arts -- comics, illustration...even magazine layout and design. But by the same token, I've no expectations for myself with it other than learning how to draw. That is to say, I only expect to improve.
With music I guess I feel a great musical masterpiece should issue from my rear and change my world. I've felt changed by music and feel when I make it, I should be making "great" music. I think I might be placing some burdens on myself are making music a bit harder than it should be. I think for a long time music was my escape and took on portions of my identity. I was just a geek...but in High School I was geek and...a musician. Geeks not so hot...geek musicians ok. I think this pretty much has continued through my adult life. I'm a loser geek...but I'm also a musician. I've got a dull boring career, but I'm secretly trying to write a an awesome rock opera (or some other pompous thought). I think this type of thinking also drove my desire to obtain more and more equipment. "See this proves I'm a musician....I spend every penny I have on music stuff."
The trouble this type of thinking is it's taking away from what I should actually be doing...making music. I've let all of this stuff take over. Meanwhile, I've been practicing the same old stuff over and over again (come to think of it, this is another reason practice is a "chore"). I've also worried about the exact way to do everything...I'm sure I need to know be able know and play a Phrygian scale...even though I probably will never have to use it for anything.
Sure I want to make some good music. I'd love to express myself musically. I just need to somehow get it back to the fun it used to be. When I first played guitar, just making an A chord was work, but I felt so good when I got it to ring. On piano, I was just happy when I could play something and recognize it. I didn't expect to write a symphony or anything. More than anything, it just deepened my appreciation for what other musicians have done. It increased my wonder...it heightened my connection to the music I heard on the radio. I'd like to get back to that feeling with what I'm doing.
How can I get back to making music for music's sake and just having fun? How can I make mistakes and not care? I don't know, but I do know I'm starting down this road just by thinking about it. Hopefully over the next several days and weeks and can get back to just practicing and having fun again...just doing it for the pure fun and nothing else.

Still going...

It's been awhile, so I've decided to do another blog entry. I've had kind of pendulum effect going the last two weeks. I had a couple of days...maybe a week where I was feeling crappy about life, the universe and everything. But I had some really great days in there as well. I've managed to keep the drawing and cartooning up. I even sketched out an idea for a strip. I've been tempted to shut it down for many reasons -- all of them stupid. The one that always gets to me the most is that it's taking away from my musical efforts. That's really the old "ultra-focus"/perfectionism problem. I've actually found that my musical efforts have actually improved as pick up drawing skills and work more with them. Just getting the old conditioning out of my head is the problem. I think that might be why was having a bad week last week. The old junk keeps coming up. I'm lucky though. This time something is different. I keep being able to fight it off. I keep being able to draw and enjoy it. I keep being able to play my instruments and have fun. In fact, I've been enjoying music more lately. I've been able to pay more attention to the sound of notes...the feel of notes.
Even with the dark period, it has been a positive couple weeks. I'm feeling more interested and energized than I have for a long, long time. I'm feeling a lot more like myself. I just hope to have the strength and courage to keep going and keep doing what I'm doing.

Feeling Extraordinarly Good

It's almost a week since my last entry. Almost two or three weeks since an entry of any substance. It's a good thing though. I've actually been busy doing stuff! I'm on a record run of drawing cartoons. Some of my cartoons actually look like identifiable things. At this point, I'm copying the work of other cartoonists, but I am feeling more confident that I will develop my own style if I keep at it. Learning to cartoon has been a lot of fun. It's also reconnected me to myself in many ways. I've always loved animation, comics, comic strips and graphic design. I devour graphic novels when I can get my hands on them. I've always stayed away from drawing though. My perfectionism (once again) got in the way. I was also a victim of over-focus. I used to feel that I had to focus on one thing or interest and shut out all other distractions. If I played an instrument, that was it. No writing, no drawing, sculpting, whatever. If I were to write, that was it. I think this outlook was fueled by perfectionism (if I work ONLY on this it will be perfect). I am now recovering from this very limiting philosophy.
It has been unbelievably hard to recover from, but I am making progress. All last week I drew AND practiced on bass. This is huge for me. It's also given me a much better outlook on life. About two weeks ago, I was in pure misery. Hated my job, life, etc. I was also bored out of my mind. Then the cartooning kind of wound up. I started taking a sketchpad to work and doing some practice during my lunch break. At the same time, I've been keeping up music.
I think the one of the important things I've realized in this last week is that I can do these things just because I love them. I love music and everything about it. Same with cartooning. I don't have to be perfect at them. Hell, I don't even have to be good (although I have noticed some improvement).
So, I have been enjoying the week. I especially enjoyed yesterday...a good day off from work. I went and picked up some art supplies. I did some cartooning. I practiced the bass. I read, took naps. An epically great day. The kind of day you are just happy to be doing what you are doing. I'm hoping to continue my recovery from perfectionism...and thus have more days like that. Here's hoping!

A Boring Entry

I haven't had much to blog about as far as making music lately. I've actually taken some time away from trying to get the studio to work to just play. More specifically, I've been working on my bass playing. I actually went and jammed with a friend over the weekend. For me, this is a big step. We worked out some simple blues stuff. I'm going to practice that and go back over some bass fundamentals. I still want to get my studio running and do some composing and songwriting. I'm just lowering the priority on it a little for now.
This blog isn't meant to just be about music though. I think I'm going to start introducing some of my other interests over the next couple weeks. Need to start expanding my blog world a bit so I don't run short of material.

Lemons and Lemonade

Well, I'm having more problems using the MIDI controller with Cakewalk. The plan I'm kicking around now is to use the MIDI controller with the laptop -just a as keyboard. In other words, use my soft-synths in standalone mode, not as a Cakewalk plugin. If I need to record it, I can always use my old analog 4 track and dump the track to computer later. I'm going to leave Cakewalk on my uber computer and use it as a multitrack recorder. I have an analog 4 track but Cakewalk is unlimited. That way I don't have to mess with the goofy MIDI problems I'm having with equipment right now. Sometimes you just have to go with what you know. Sometimes something that seems like a really good idea isn't...but you have to go on. So, I'm disappointed that things didn't work out as I planned, but I'm not letting that derail me totally like I used to. It might even turn out as good thing. Who knows, maybe this will influence a part of my style (when I get one) in some way.