Floating

I've been down lately. Nothing seems to have much meaning anymore. I just wonder what I'm doing with my life. I want to be having fun and doing something useful. Yet I only seem to be able to consume. I only seem to enjoy passive activities. I listen to lots of music. I like reading and playing video games. I also like movies. But I'm not going at anything that does anything...or rather, creates something. I seem to really want something to show for my time spent.
I guess that's the attraction of "building" hobbies. If you are into carpentry, you have a piece of furniture to show for your efforts. If you restore antique cars, you have the restored car to drive around. I seem to want this from my leisure pursuits. I love music so much, I feel like I should produce some kind of music, be it instrumental, a song with lyrics or just performing. I can't just enjoy music or studying the lives of musicians. It doesn't feel like that is far enough for the pleasure I get out of listening. Yet after years of lessons on several instruments (and lots of money), I doubt I could get through one whole song. I take that back, I can play relatively simple folk songs on acoustic guitar and harmonica. Still, that doesn't exactly show blazing progress for the time, effort and money I have put into it.
My malaise isn't just limited to hobbies. It's also related to my job. I'm a technical writer/editor, a job that pays well but really just strangles anybody with a love of language. It is the complete antithesis of literature. You are simplifying every thought, every sentence down to the barest words that can still express meaning. Plus, it's a field that's seen as a "necessary evil". Well, maybe not so necessary. It's almost always the last priority for a technical organization. Yet, what else am I going to do? No way in hell I'm going to journalism...not in today's media. All I know is I don't like it. It bores me. But what else do I want to do?
That's the whole problem. I have no frigging clue what I want to do. Not with hobbies, not with work. Not anything. Nothing seems to be right. I keep trying things and getting nowhere. I really do want to be happy, satisfied. I just have no idea what that will entail.

Cutting Loose, Letting Go

I've been wanting to do something to break me out of my musical rut for awhile. You see I have several problems with expressing myself. I have plenty of desire to express myself. I just can't seem to "let go" and do it. So I've decided to take the opposite approach I usually do. I'm going to actually go out and do something that I don't think is logical and, quite frankly scares me.
Next financial windfall. I'm going to go and get a drum kit. A good, old fashioned, loud-as-hell drum kit.
This is important for many reasons. The musical reasons are actually pretty logical. Percussion, the beat, the groove is one of the most important elements in music. Percussion is likely the first type of music we developed as a species. It mystifies and escapes me because of my rigid approach to music (and life in general). I have always felt that an understanding, or appreciate of how the beat meshes with the rest of music was just beyond my grasp. So how do you learn more about it...musically you try and do it.
Now most of the reasons this upcoming purchase is important are mental. I've always seen drummers or percussions as kind of wild and free (at least in popular music context). They kind of represent a "letting go". I realize drumming is complex as any part of music, but it seems to be one where you really have to let go to do it correctly.
Then there are the fears. Years ago I know someone who dabbled in percussion.Not a "serious" percussionist. Just some bongos and spoons...yet it still sounded very cool. Well, life got difficult for him...downright scary in parts. So, I've kind of associated (unjustly to be sure) percussion with a little bit of madness. Not a positive "letting go" but a negative version. So actually playing some drums will help me get over the clearly illogical fear that letting go in a musical sense means letting go in a mental sense.
Then there is the fear of people hearing me...not so much hear me as hear messing up and trying to practice things. I feel like people shouldn't ever hear me unless I'm perfect. Actually the perfectionism--while not a fear is another obstacle to overcome. I cut myself from activities where I'm not sure how good or bad I'll do. I stick to the "safety" of the trodden path...even if it's something I enjoy purely for it's own sake. However, in this case the fun outweighs the perfectionism. I'm just going to go for...if I ever get good, great. If not, I'll at least have tried.
In lots of ways, getting into percussion is affirmation to me...a sign I'm getting away from old modes of thinking. I just like making music, whether by drum, by guitar, keyboard or kazoo (well maybe not the last one).
Of course it's easy to say this now. I usually have a good way overthinking things and backing out of risk taking. I can't do that this time. This time I just have to let go (in a good way) and let things develop.

Stirrings with thanks to K

Things are starting to pick back up again, thanks to a few pushes and nudges from Krista. I actually worked out a simple but decent melody for a theme and variation exercise. I think I'll try and harmonize it later on today. It was cool though...I was picking out notes on the keyboard, writing them down and transferring them to computer to hear the whole thing. Very fun...I lost track of time, got into it and had a blast.
Is it an earth-shattering composition of all time...probably not. But at least I got going, that's the good part. So thanks, Krista for setting a time limit and helping me get back in gear.