A ramble

Well, it's been quite a week. Last weekend I spent most of the weekend running to Home Depot to get parts for a toilet. After a whole weekend of spending lots of money, I have a still leaking toilet. Funnier still, the toilet wasn't the source of the problem. It was a backed up septic tank. Well, at least most of the throne is new. Then I had some family business to tend to in the middle of the week. All of this is a long-winded excuse for saying, I haven't practiced music all week. I have to admit though, I was playing pretty sporadically the week before. It's like this with a lot of things I do - practice guitar/bass, exercise. Do great for a week or two. Then life interferes in some way or another (sick sibling, backed up toilet). I miss a day...which becomes a week. After the week mark, I feel guilty. I should be doing what I was doing before. The guilt in turn makes it harder to get back to what I was doing. It's easy to see how that would happen with something like say, exercising. I know I need to. I know it's good for me. I still hate it and it's a chore. Now music is different. I love music...I love trying to make music. So why does it take on such a chore-like feel after I miss about a week?
Part of the problem might be my approach to fun...or lack thereof. Even "fun" is serious business for me. It's part of my "Calvinist" streak. I've noted my problems with perfectionism before. The "Fun is serious business" is part of that problem. Society helps a bit...suffering for your art and all that.
Oddly enough, I don't have as much of a problem with drawing. Not that I'm any better an illustrator than musician. In fact, I "know" far more about music. I've read more books, taken more classes and lessons in music and musical performance. Yet for the last month, I've been able to draw something everyday. On some days it's been little more than a doodle. Point is, I've been keeping up on it and doing. I don't know why this could be. It seems to have taken on a life of it's own.
I wonder if it's because I'm not as attached. I'm not expecting to be a great artist. I just do it for fun, for something to do. I do it because I love graphic arts -- comics, illustration...even magazine layout and design. But by the same token, I've no expectations for myself with it other than learning how to draw. That is to say, I only expect to improve.
With music I guess I feel a great musical masterpiece should issue from my rear and change my world. I've felt changed by music and feel when I make it, I should be making "great" music. I think I might be placing some burdens on myself are making music a bit harder than it should be. I think for a long time music was my escape and took on portions of my identity. I was just a geek...but in High School I was geek and...a musician. Geeks not so hot...geek musicians ok. I think this pretty much has continued through my adult life. I'm a loser geek...but I'm also a musician. I've got a dull boring career, but I'm secretly trying to write a an awesome rock opera (or some other pompous thought). I think this type of thinking also drove my desire to obtain more and more equipment. "See this proves I'm a musician....I spend every penny I have on music stuff."
The trouble this type of thinking is it's taking away from what I should actually be doing...making music. I've let all of this stuff take over. Meanwhile, I've been practicing the same old stuff over and over again (come to think of it, this is another reason practice is a "chore"). I've also worried about the exact way to do everything...I'm sure I need to know be able know and play a Phrygian scale...even though I probably will never have to use it for anything.
Sure I want to make some good music. I'd love to express myself musically. I just need to somehow get it back to the fun it used to be. When I first played guitar, just making an A chord was work, but I felt so good when I got it to ring. On piano, I was just happy when I could play something and recognize it. I didn't expect to write a symphony or anything. More than anything, it just deepened my appreciation for what other musicians have done. It increased my wonder...it heightened my connection to the music I heard on the radio. I'd like to get back to that feeling with what I'm doing.
How can I get back to making music for music's sake and just having fun? How can I make mistakes and not care? I don't know, but I do know I'm starting down this road just by thinking about it. Hopefully over the next several days and weeks and can get back to just practicing and having fun again...just doing it for the pure fun and nothing else.