I've been feeling confused about myself and my interests. Part of this blog was to find some clarity. While I was writing in my journal this morning, I wrote the following paragraph:
Thing is I feel confused and all--but really, I know who and what I am. I am an artist. I am a scientist. I love the beauty of nature and the beauty of man. I explore the creation and create. I am Joshua Twain Pappas, explorer.
I felt a bit better just by writing this down, so I also reposted it up here.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Finger in the wind (not that finger)
Well, after free-floating the last couple of weeks, I've got direction of a sort. One thing I'm trying to do is to "do" more and plan less. This will entail some changes for this space. I've spent a lot of time in this space laying out some of my plans. Planning for my plans, etc.
I'm hoping to put up more essays on various subjects...not just music, though that will still be the subject of many a post. Music is still the most important thing in my life, hence it will be an important part of the blog. I'm going to start including other subjects that interest me as well -- other art forms, technology, history. I'm a curious explorer type, so pretty much anything might come up.
I'll wrap up some of the matters I raised in my last post here. I'm not feeling as down or melancholy as I was in the last post. I'm taking the approach that I'm going to try and just indulge my interests for their own sakes and see where they lead me. So, I've been playing my guitars again...just for my own pleasure though. No big plans for that the moment. No setting up a studio or writing a huge, complex masterpiece. I'm just going to try and get better. Maybe good enough to write some songs, but I'm not going to push it. Right now, I just need to get my calluses back.
I'm going to try not to debate how my interests will look to other people...something I used to do all the time. For one thing, I'm just not that special. Everybody on the planet is not scrutinizing my every move. Even if they were, I need to think who cares? Do I really want always living in reaction to someone's opinion of me or what I do? That's a crux of the biscuit...I'm confused and don't know who I am because I keep trying to fill in what I think other people will think. Since this varies from person to person, it can get really confusing. I need to quit wasting my time and energy on it and concentrate on just being. Life is too short and I've already wasted enough time thrashing around. Of course, it's easy to say (or in this case write) that things will be different. It is quite different to put this into practice.
I'm still optimistic I will do fine. I'm feeling more adventurous everyday. I love letting a sense of wonder rule my pursuits. I've also realized I really enjoy solving problems...mainly on computer at this point. Still, I think that's something else I will be exploring in the future. I'm actually looking at that for a focal point to manage some sort of career change. At the moment, I'm not much of a problem solver...it's more mechanics. Maybe I'll find a problem-solving career to get into...who knows? All I know is the winds are starting to pick up. I'll be able to catch the next breeze. Floating -- with direction.
I'm hoping to put up more essays on various subjects...not just music, though that will still be the subject of many a post. Music is still the most important thing in my life, hence it will be an important part of the blog. I'm going to start including other subjects that interest me as well -- other art forms, technology, history. I'm a curious explorer type, so pretty much anything might come up.
I'll wrap up some of the matters I raised in my last post here. I'm not feeling as down or melancholy as I was in the last post. I'm taking the approach that I'm going to try and just indulge my interests for their own sakes and see where they lead me. So, I've been playing my guitars again...just for my own pleasure though. No big plans for that the moment. No setting up a studio or writing a huge, complex masterpiece. I'm just going to try and get better. Maybe good enough to write some songs, but I'm not going to push it. Right now, I just need to get my calluses back.
I'm going to try not to debate how my interests will look to other people...something I used to do all the time. For one thing, I'm just not that special. Everybody on the planet is not scrutinizing my every move. Even if they were, I need to think who cares? Do I really want always living in reaction to someone's opinion of me or what I do? That's a crux of the biscuit...I'm confused and don't know who I am because I keep trying to fill in what I think other people will think. Since this varies from person to person, it can get really confusing. I need to quit wasting my time and energy on it and concentrate on just being. Life is too short and I've already wasted enough time thrashing around. Of course, it's easy to say (or in this case write) that things will be different. It is quite different to put this into practice.
I'm still optimistic I will do fine. I'm feeling more adventurous everyday. I love letting a sense of wonder rule my pursuits. I've also realized I really enjoy solving problems...mainly on computer at this point. Still, I think that's something else I will be exploring in the future. I'm actually looking at that for a focal point to manage some sort of career change. At the moment, I'm not much of a problem solver...it's more mechanics. Maybe I'll find a problem-solving career to get into...who knows? All I know is the winds are starting to pick up. I'll be able to catch the next breeze. Floating -- with direction.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Floating
I've been down lately. Nothing seems to have much meaning anymore. I just wonder what I'm doing with my life. I want to be having fun and doing something useful. Yet I only seem to be able to consume. I only seem to enjoy passive activities. I listen to lots of music. I like reading and playing video games. I also like movies. But I'm not going at anything that does anything...or rather, creates something. I seem to really want something to show for my time spent.
I guess that's the attraction of "building" hobbies. If you are into carpentry, you have a piece of furniture to show for your efforts. If you restore antique cars, you have the restored car to drive around. I seem to want this from my leisure pursuits. I love music so much, I feel like I should produce some kind of music, be it instrumental, a song with lyrics or just performing. I can't just enjoy music or studying the lives of musicians. It doesn't feel like that is far enough for the pleasure I get out of listening. Yet after years of lessons on several instruments (and lots of money), I doubt I could get through one whole song. I take that back, I can play relatively simple folk songs on acoustic guitar and harmonica. Still, that doesn't exactly show blazing progress for the time, effort and money I have put into it.
My malaise isn't just limited to hobbies. It's also related to my job. I'm a technical writer/editor, a job that pays well but really just strangles anybody with a love of language. It is the complete antithesis of literature. You are simplifying every thought, every sentence down to the barest words that can still express meaning. Plus, it's a field that's seen as a "necessary evil". Well, maybe not so necessary. It's almost always the last priority for a technical organization. Yet, what else am I going to do? No way in hell I'm going to journalism...not in today's media. All I know is I don't like it. It bores me. But what else do I want to do?
That's the whole problem. I have no frigging clue what I want to do. Not with hobbies, not with work. Not anything. Nothing seems to be right. I keep trying things and getting nowhere. I really do want to be happy, satisfied. I just have no idea what that will entail.
I guess that's the attraction of "building" hobbies. If you are into carpentry, you have a piece of furniture to show for your efforts. If you restore antique cars, you have the restored car to drive around. I seem to want this from my leisure pursuits. I love music so much, I feel like I should produce some kind of music, be it instrumental, a song with lyrics or just performing. I can't just enjoy music or studying the lives of musicians. It doesn't feel like that is far enough for the pleasure I get out of listening. Yet after years of lessons on several instruments (and lots of money), I doubt I could get through one whole song. I take that back, I can play relatively simple folk songs on acoustic guitar and harmonica. Still, that doesn't exactly show blazing progress for the time, effort and money I have put into it.
My malaise isn't just limited to hobbies. It's also related to my job. I'm a technical writer/editor, a job that pays well but really just strangles anybody with a love of language. It is the complete antithesis of literature. You are simplifying every thought, every sentence down to the barest words that can still express meaning. Plus, it's a field that's seen as a "necessary evil". Well, maybe not so necessary. It's almost always the last priority for a technical organization. Yet, what else am I going to do? No way in hell I'm going to journalism...not in today's media. All I know is I don't like it. It bores me. But what else do I want to do?
That's the whole problem. I have no frigging clue what I want to do. Not with hobbies, not with work. Not anything. Nothing seems to be right. I keep trying things and getting nowhere. I really do want to be happy, satisfied. I just have no idea what that will entail.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Cutting Loose, Letting Go
I've been wanting to do something to break me out of my musical rut for awhile. You see I have several problems with expressing myself. I have plenty of desire to express myself. I just can't seem to "let go" and do it. So I've decided to take the opposite approach I usually do. I'm going to actually go out and do something that I don't think is logical and, quite frankly scares me.
Next financial windfall. I'm going to go and get a drum kit. A good, old fashioned, loud-as-hell drum kit.
This is important for many reasons. The musical reasons are actually pretty logical. Percussion, the beat, the groove is one of the most important elements in music. Percussion is likely the first type of music we developed as a species. It mystifies and escapes me because of my rigid approach to music (and life in general). I have always felt that an understanding, or appreciate of how the beat meshes with the rest of music was just beyond my grasp. So how do you learn more about it...musically you try and do it.
Now most of the reasons this upcoming purchase is important are mental. I've always seen drummers or percussions as kind of wild and free (at least in popular music context). They kind of represent a "letting go". I realize drumming is complex as any part of music, but it seems to be one where you really have to let go to do it correctly.
Then there are the fears. Years ago I know someone who dabbled in percussion.Not a "serious" percussionist. Just some bongos and spoons...yet it still sounded very cool. Well, life got difficult for him...downright scary in parts. So, I've kind of associated (unjustly to be sure) percussion with a little bit of madness. Not a positive "letting go" but a negative version. So actually playing some drums will help me get over the clearly illogical fear that letting go in a musical sense means letting go in a mental sense.
Then there is the fear of people hearing me...not so much hear me as hear messing up and trying to practice things. I feel like people shouldn't ever hear me unless I'm perfect. Actually the perfectionism--while not a fear is another obstacle to overcome. I cut myself from activities where I'm not sure how good or bad I'll do. I stick to the "safety" of the trodden path...even if it's something I enjoy purely for it's own sake. However, in this case the fun outweighs the perfectionism. I'm just going to go for...if I ever get good, great. If not, I'll at least have tried.
In lots of ways, getting into percussion is affirmation to me...a sign I'm getting away from old modes of thinking. I just like making music, whether by drum, by guitar, keyboard or kazoo (well maybe not the last one).
Of course it's easy to say this now. I usually have a good way overthinking things and backing out of risk taking. I can't do that this time. This time I just have to let go (in a good way) and let things develop.
Next financial windfall. I'm going to go and get a drum kit. A good, old fashioned, loud-as-hell drum kit.
This is important for many reasons. The musical reasons are actually pretty logical. Percussion, the beat, the groove is one of the most important elements in music. Percussion is likely the first type of music we developed as a species. It mystifies and escapes me because of my rigid approach to music (and life in general). I have always felt that an understanding, or appreciate of how the beat meshes with the rest of music was just beyond my grasp. So how do you learn more about it...musically you try and do it.
Now most of the reasons this upcoming purchase is important are mental. I've always seen drummers or percussions as kind of wild and free (at least in popular music context). They kind of represent a "letting go". I realize drumming is complex as any part of music, but it seems to be one where you really have to let go to do it correctly.
Then there are the fears. Years ago I know someone who dabbled in percussion.Not a "serious" percussionist. Just some bongos and spoons...yet it still sounded very cool. Well, life got difficult for him...downright scary in parts. So, I've kind of associated (unjustly to be sure) percussion with a little bit of madness. Not a positive "letting go" but a negative version. So actually playing some drums will help me get over the clearly illogical fear that letting go in a musical sense means letting go in a mental sense.
Then there is the fear of people hearing me...not so much hear me as hear messing up and trying to practice things. I feel like people shouldn't ever hear me unless I'm perfect. Actually the perfectionism--while not a fear is another obstacle to overcome. I cut myself from activities where I'm not sure how good or bad I'll do. I stick to the "safety" of the trodden path...even if it's something I enjoy purely for it's own sake. However, in this case the fun outweighs the perfectionism. I'm just going to go for...if I ever get good, great. If not, I'll at least have tried.
In lots of ways, getting into percussion is affirmation to me...a sign I'm getting away from old modes of thinking. I just like making music, whether by drum, by guitar, keyboard or kazoo (well maybe not the last one).
Of course it's easy to say this now. I usually have a good way overthinking things and backing out of risk taking. I can't do that this time. This time I just have to let go (in a good way) and let things develop.
Stirrings with thanks to K
Things are starting to pick back up again, thanks to a few pushes and nudges from Krista. I actually worked out a simple but decent melody for a theme and variation exercise. I think I'll try and harmonize it later on today. It was cool though...I was picking out notes on the keyboard, writing them down and transferring them to computer to hear the whole thing. Very fun...I lost track of time, got into it and had a blast.
Is it an earth-shattering composition of all time...probably not. But at least I got going, that's the good part. So thanks, Krista for setting a time limit and helping me get back in gear.
Is it an earth-shattering composition of all time...probably not. But at least I got going, that's the good part. So thanks, Krista for setting a time limit and helping me get back in gear.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
The beauty of shuffle mode...
Maybe I'm approach a theme or mood. I was mentioning simplicity yesterday and I found a good example. I had my MP3 player set to shuffle on Thursday. A tune I hadn't heard in a long time popped up, Gillian Welch's "April 14th (Part 1)" off of Time the Revelator. That whole album is a study in simplicity. Not just simplicity, but beauty. I switched the MP3 player to Normal and listened to the whole album again. It still amazes me how awesome just two voices and two guitars can sound (David Rawlings being the other voice and guitar).
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Stuck in the Mud
I've been kind of stuck in the mud for the last couple weeks. I haven't had much inspiration and haven't done much musical practice. Everything has kind of come to a stand-still. I just don't feel like doing anything.
I am going to try and get back on track soon. I'm going to try several projects to get myself moving. Just doing stuff is the key I think.
I used to sit around hoping for inspiration to strike out of the blue and instantly reveal a vision of a masterpiece in its totality. I realize now that it doesn't work this way. Inspiration seems to hit people while they are working toward something.
With that in mind, my mission this week is to get myself moving again...but not in a way that I'm in a rut. With that in mind, I'm just going to work on putting together a generic blues song. Just record a simple I-IV-V chord progress and add an equally simple bass line. After I get that recorded, I may or may not try to throw some lead licks in there. That's all. Nothing fancy, but I've never done it before. Something easy, yet something of a stretch for me.
I've also decided to give setting up a computer recording another shot...mainly because I threw so much money at it. I can experiment with a sound card I have in the garage...see if I can take some of the load off my CPU and hard drive. It'd be a waste not to try and get it to work. I'm going to approach it a bit differently though. It's not the centerpiece of what I'm doing. In other words, I can keep goofing around with it until I get it to work. Until it works, I'll just keep using the trusty Tascam 4 track to record. I may even start my mixes with the Tascam and then move them to the PC for the final mix. The idea actually appeals to me...lately I've been kind of appreciating old (analog) technology. Something about analog is appealing to the ears...kind of the same principle that makes distortion so popular for electric guitars.
I have an 80's beast lurking under my bed...an 80's Korg DW-6000. I just keep it around because it was my first "real" musical instrument. It is in horrible shape. It will definitely need a new battery to charge the patch memory. I think the lowest key is also broken. However, I may make it a project over the summer to get it working again. It had a nice "airy" quality to it -- a lot of 80's keyboards kind of had this to my mind. The DX-7 was another "breathy" keyboard.
Funny observation, I have a Casio/Radio Shack keyboard that sounds slightly out of tune. Supposedly this shouldn't happen, but there it is. It only sounded "off" to me...someone with better pitch pointed out is was actually out of tune. I think in the 80's they had a lot less faith in electronic correctness than we do now. Why...there is actually slider on the 80's keyboard to adjust the tuning. There might be a similar function for the Casio, but it's buried below fifty levels of menus. My point--sometimes it's nice to just flip a slider and get to have to get out a tech manual and search for an hour.
I'm not trying to be a luddite...I'm just starting to kind of appreciate simplicity a bit more than I used to. That's it for this ramble. Peace out.
I am going to try and get back on track soon. I'm going to try several projects to get myself moving. Just doing stuff is the key I think.
I used to sit around hoping for inspiration to strike out of the blue and instantly reveal a vision of a masterpiece in its totality. I realize now that it doesn't work this way. Inspiration seems to hit people while they are working toward something.
With that in mind, my mission this week is to get myself moving again...but not in a way that I'm in a rut. With that in mind, I'm just going to work on putting together a generic blues song. Just record a simple I-IV-V chord progress and add an equally simple bass line. After I get that recorded, I may or may not try to throw some lead licks in there. That's all. Nothing fancy, but I've never done it before. Something easy, yet something of a stretch for me.
I've also decided to give setting up a computer recording another shot...mainly because I threw so much money at it. I can experiment with a sound card I have in the garage...see if I can take some of the load off my CPU and hard drive. It'd be a waste not to try and get it to work. I'm going to approach it a bit differently though. It's not the centerpiece of what I'm doing. In other words, I can keep goofing around with it until I get it to work. Until it works, I'll just keep using the trusty Tascam 4 track to record. I may even start my mixes with the Tascam and then move them to the PC for the final mix. The idea actually appeals to me...lately I've been kind of appreciating old (analog) technology. Something about analog is appealing to the ears...kind of the same principle that makes distortion so popular for electric guitars.
I have an 80's beast lurking under my bed...an 80's Korg DW-6000. I just keep it around because it was my first "real" musical instrument. It is in horrible shape. It will definitely need a new battery to charge the patch memory. I think the lowest key is also broken. However, I may make it a project over the summer to get it working again. It had a nice "airy" quality to it -- a lot of 80's keyboards kind of had this to my mind. The DX-7 was another "breathy" keyboard.
Funny observation, I have a Casio/Radio Shack keyboard that sounds slightly out of tune. Supposedly this shouldn't happen, but there it is. It only sounded "off" to me...someone with better pitch pointed out is was actually out of tune. I think in the 80's they had a lot less faith in electronic correctness than we do now. Why...there is actually slider on the 80's keyboard to adjust the tuning. There might be a similar function for the Casio, but it's buried below fifty levels of menus. My point--sometimes it's nice to just flip a slider and get to have to get out a tech manual and search for an hour.
I'm not trying to be a luddite...I'm just starting to kind of appreciate simplicity a bit more than I used to. That's it for this ramble. Peace out.
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